# Why a short message means more than you think > We put off messaging old friends because it feels awkward. Research with thousands of people found they're far gladder to hear from us than we expect. By Luca Daniel (One of the people who make Philos) · Published 25 Sept 2026 · 3 min read Section: Our thinking · Topics: Friendship, Family Source: https://getphilos.com/blog/the-surprise-of-reaching-out ## In short - In experiments with more than 5,900 people, those who reached out to someone they'd lost touch with underestimated how much it was appreciated. - The more unexpected the message, the bigger the gap between what senders expected and how recipients felt. - A two-line message, a photo or a voice note is enough. The hard part is sending it. Picture the doormat after a week away. Bills, a takeaway menu, a letter from the bank. And, somewhere in the pile, a postcard with your name in handwriting you recognise. You read the postcard first. You read it twice. It probably says almost nothing: the weather, a joke, "thinking of you". It's still the best thing in the pile. Most of us would love to get that postcard. Far fewer of us send one. Why? ## The message we never send You know the feeling. You think of an old friend, and you almost write. Then the doubts arrive. It's been too long. They're busy. It'll be awkward. They might wonder why now. So the message stays unsent, and the silence gets a little longer, which makes the next attempt feel even stranger. ## What happens when people press send In 2022, a team of researchers led by Peggy Liu at the University of Pittsburgh put those doubts to the test. Across a series of experiments with more than 5,900 people, they asked participants to reach out to someone in their social circle they hadn't been in touch with for a while: a short note, sometimes with a small gift. Before sending, people predicted how much the other person would appreciate it. Then the researchers asked the people who received the messages how they felt. The result was the same again and again. Senders underestimated how much their message was appreciated. In Liu's words, people "appreciate being reached out to more than people think". ## The surprise is the gift The most interesting finding is what made the gap bigger: surprise. The more unexpected the message, the further off the senders' predictions were. Recipients paid more attention to the surprise of hearing from someone than senders did. Reaching out to someone you weren't close to, or hadn't spoken to in a while, was appreciated even more than people guessed. That turns the usual logic on its head. The thing that stops us, "it's been too long", is the thing that makes the message land. It's the postcard on the doormat again. A postcard from someone you see every day would be nice. A postcard from someone you haven't heard from in two years is an event. ## Thank-you notes work the same way It isn't only reaching out. In an earlier study, the psychologists Amit Kumar and Nicholas Epley asked people to write a short letter of thanks to someone who had mattered to them. The writers expected the recipient to feel a bit awkward. In fact, recipients felt more positive and more surprised than writers predicted, and much less awkward. The same researchers later found that hearing a voice builds a closer bond than reading text, with no extra awkwardness. If writing feels stiff, [send a voice message](https://getphilos.com/blog/voice-messages-on-philos) instead. ## What to send The research is clear on one thing: you don't need the perfect message. Something small and specific works. - **A memory.** "Drove past our old school today. Remember the bike shed?" - **A photo.** The café you used to go to, the song on the radio, the dog that looks like theirs. - **A thank-you.** "I never told you how much that weekend helped. It did." - **Just hello.** "Thought of you today. How are you?" No need to explain why now. The surprise is part of the gift. ## Where Philos fits Philos is built for exactly these small moments. Your people are in one place, so the friend you've been meaning to message is a tap away. Replies to a Moment go straight into a private chat. And a voice note takes less time than typing an apology for the silence. Before you put your phone down, think of one person you'd be glad to hear from. Then send them the postcard. ## Questions people ask ### Is it weird to message a friend after a long time? Research suggests it's far less weird than it feels. People who reached out to someone they'd lost touch with consistently underestimated how much the other person appreciated it. ### What should I say to someone I haven't talked to in years? Keep it short and specific. A memory you share, a photo that reminded you of them, or a simple "thought of you today" is enough to start. ## Sources - [The surprise of reaching out: Appreciated more than we think](https://doi.org/10.1037/pspi0000402), Liu, Rim, Min and Min, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology - [Undervaluing Gratitude: Expressers Misunderstand the Consequences of Showing Appreciation](https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797618772506), Kumar and Epley, Psychological Science - [It's Surprisingly Nice to Hear You](https://doi.org/10.1037/xge0000962), Kumar and Epley, Journal of Experimental Psychology General --- © 2026 Philos. From the Philos blog: https://getphilos.com/blog/the-surprise-of-reaching-out