Lonely, with hundreds of followers

In January 2018, Britain did something no government had done before. It gave loneliness a minister.

Tracey Crouch, already the minister for sport, was asked to lead a plan across government after a cross-party commission set up in memory of the MP Jo Cox. The job title made headlines around the world. Then the numbers came in from everywhere else.

A lonely continent, and a surprising group#

In 2022, the European Commission ran the first EU-wide survey of loneliness, asking more than 25,000 people in all 27 countries how they felt. About 13% said they’d felt lonely most or all of the time over the past four weeks. Another 35% said at least some of the time.

The loneliest weren’t who you might expect. Not the oldest, on their own in a flat. Young people reported more loneliness than older generations. Ireland had the highest rate, above 20%. The Netherlands, Czechia, Croatia and Austria had the lowest, all under 10%.

Elsewhere, the pattern is the same. In 2023, the US Surgeon General called loneliness an epidemic. In 2025, the World Health Organization estimated that one in six people worldwide are affected.

So here’s the puzzle. We’ve never had more ways to reach each other, and the generation that grew up online reports the most loneliness. How?

Crisps for dinner#

Think about the difference between a bag of crisps and a proper Sunday lunch.

• Crisps are always there, fast and tasty. You can eat the whole bag without noticing, and an hour later you’re hungry again.
• Sunday lunch takes time to make, and you can’t have it every hour. But you get up from the table full, and the people around it are why you remember it.

A feed of followers is the crisps. It’s always there, it’s quick, and it fills the time. Likes and views feel like company in the moment, but they don’t feed the part of us that needs to be known.

Close relationships are the Sunday lunch. They’re slower, and they can’t be scaled to hundreds. But they’re what nourishes us.

What nourishment looks like in the data#

This isn’t just a metaphor. In 2010, a team led by the psychologist Julianne Holt-Lunstad pulled together 148 studies, covering more than 300,000 people followed for an average of seven and a half years. People with stronger social relationships had a 50% greater likelihood of survival over that time.

The US Surgeon General’s 2023 advisory put it even more starkly: the effect of being socially disconnected on mortality is similar to that of smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day.

None of those studies counted followers. They counted things like whether you have people to rely on, how often you see them, and how woven into each other’s lives you are.

Friendships are made of hours#

There’s no shortcut to that kind of relationship. In a 2018 study, the communication researcher Jeffrey Hall estimated that it takes around 50 hours together to turn an acquaintance into a casual friend, around 90 to become friends, and more than 200 hours to become close friends. Time spent together by choice counted most.

That’s the hidden cost of the feed. The hours we spend scrolling past hundreds of people are hours we don’t spend with the few who could become, or stay, the people we lean on.

We underestimate each other#

The good news is that the other person is usually keener than we think. In a 2014 study, the psychologists Nicholas Epley and Juliana Schroeder asked commuters in Chicago to strike up a conversation with a stranger on their train or bus. Other people, asked beforehand, predicted that talking would make the commute worse. Instead, those who talked had a more pleasant commute than those who sat in silence. We assume others don’t want to talk. Mostly, they do.

If that’s true of strangers, it’s even more true of the friend you haven’t messaged since spring.

What Philos is for#

We built Philos as the Sunday lunch, not the crisps. Room for 49 people, so every place is someone you know. A Home that ends, so you put the phone down when you’ve caught up. Chats and voice messages for the conversations that turn hours into friendship.

This week, try one swap. The next time you reach for a feed out of habit, send a message to someone you’d love to see instead. Two lines is enough.

Questions people ask

How many people in Europe feel lonely?

In the EU-wide survey run by the European Commission's Joint Research Centre in 2022, about 13% of people said they felt lonely most or all of the time, and another 35% at least some of the time.

Can social media make you lonely?

Social media can keep you in touch, but followers and likes aren't the same as close relationships. What protects people is a few relationships with real time and conversation in them.

How long does it take to make a close friend?

One study estimated around 200 hours together to turn an acquaintance into a close friend, mostly time spent by choice rather than at work or school.